Undivided Attention

Perhaps among the rarest of commodities in society today, undivided attention could perhaps solve so many relationship issues, on its own, given a little time and patience. I hold the smartphone responsible in large measure for the paucity of this beautiful ingredient. Here’s something I wrote on it a while back. This had more to do with how it is killing our creativity and dreaming time, both of which are likely not to have a direct physical impact on our lives unless we choose to connect the dots. However, smartphones leading to lack of undivided attention in relationships has a very direct, physical and emotional effect.

I’ll limit it to our experiences with Aahaan and other children I’ve had the opportunity to observe. I’ve seen that there isn’t a lot of time he needs, given how he engrossed he is when he is doing his own stuff. In fact at those times, it’s a bad idea to get into his play and ask questions or ask to be included. That’s time he is spending with himself and it’s helping him grow, helping him expand his creativity. But then there are other times, and they come without announcing, when he’s asking questions or wanting time from either A or me. Those are times when I’ve learnt that we must drop everything we’re doing and engage with him. It happens during dinner time often when he has some burning questions that need answers asap, or for short durations at other times when he’s seeking some inputs. Give him a spaced, inattentive reply and I can sense that he’s beginning to get bugged.

Going back a couple of years, I’ve observed it in a different way. A child who has been not had a parent’s attention or time all day wants 100% attention from the mother or the father who comes in at 7 or 8 PM. Understandably the parent is tired or wants time on her own. But that’s really a non-option. This child would throw loud, difficult to handle tantrums almost every day because the mother would let the phone be part of the conversation that she was having with the child. It clearly didn’t work because the child got the sense that she was not the center of attention.

It’s a small ask, in my opinion. Aahaan doesn’t need all my time when I’m around but he needs 100% of my time when he asks for it. There’s a marked change in behavior when he knows that he’s getting undivided attention. When I’m looking him in the eyes and responding to what he is saying. When I’m not half-attentively saying something while I’m actually doing or thinking of something else.

He’s calmer and a lot more at peace with himself as well as in the way he behaves with us. The tantrums shrink so does the obstinacy. He’s willing to listen to reason. (Of course, it can be argued that there are many factors at play for a child’s behavior – including the more obvious need for sleep or hunger – but I feel this one is almost as big.)

Even if I’m unable to spend time immediately, it helps to tell him considerately that I’ll finish what I’m doing and get right back to him in X mins. On most occasions this works and on those when it doesn’t, I’ve learnt that it’s best to go along with the flow and spend that time with him first, but explain to him later when he’s calmer (perhaps at bed time) that I needed to finish a task and it would be good if he could wait at such times. There’s a higher chance of him getting it then.

On the flip side, when he doesn’t get undivided attention, and there have been some phases when A has been so preoccupied with work that he’s not present in mind and spirit even though he is at home, it comes out in all sorts of unpleasant ways. From purposely contradicting instructions to bug A (he’s old enough to be doing it by design now!) to using his hands to express anger there’s all sorts of unpleasant behavior that comes our way. And strangely, it’s not like making up for it later is a solve. So A takes him out cycling or for a drive at a later time but that’s clearly not enough.

Undivided attention is a gift both for him and for me. It’s about being present in the current moment, something that comes so naturally to kids. By being present with him, I also learn to focus on where I am at the moment. And when I’m able to get it right, it makes my relationship with him so much more meaningful and fun.