Will I ever feel the same about work again ...
With a fair bit of my heart and little bit of my mind, perpetually at home with my small chap, I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel the same about working again.
Even though, it couldn't get better than this - with being able to walk to work (10 mins!) and go back for lunch to see him, and then being able to get back at 6 on most days, I know that I pretty much have it all! And isn't that what I asked for in this post long back? But that's where the complication begins. There is always this small nagging feeling that I should be spending more time with him - because this age won't last, because I have sooo much fun being around him and listening to his "small" talk, because he will learn what he sees and that means habits and values from the didi who looks after him, because when I go home he's usually waiting to see me. And thus every time there is a conflict between home and work, home wins, probably making my team realize that my priorities lie at home and making me realize even more deeply, that that is indeed true at this point in time. And that brings me back to the question I started this blog with.
In this phase of working - post baby - I've hardly made any friends at work. There is (was) just no time. Between running home for lunch, which is usually a good time to catch up informally with many people from different teams, and not having time even for coffee chats because of the hard stop deadline of 6 PM when the maid leaves, I hardly have any time to make casual conversation with people around me in office. Office dinners are often a source of stress because it means figuring out who I can request to step in to manage the baby while I'm out and the one time that I did head out, I came back within an hour and a half because he was getting fidgety with my cousin who had agreed to watch him. All this lack of socializing obviously has its consequences and I'm not surprised that there is practically no one with whom I can really chat at work. Given my high people orientation and a clear preference for a fun-filled, light hearted work environment, that implies that sometimes I find the office a tad dull and boring, and crave having friends and colleagues around at work. (Though, I guess, in a small part, the organization itself does not have a "fun" working culture but I guess that only serves to compound the issue for me). And that brings me back to the question I started with.
Given the many, many, many fronts that I feel I have to constantly handle - home, baby, work, start-up, travel, investments - I very often find myself unable to concentrate on the task at hand. It is, of course, a failing on my part and a huge cause for concern and I can externalize it by saying that the circumstances are responsible, but I know that focus and concentration are two qualities that I must regain. I find myself suffering from an adult version of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) wherein I constantly flit from one task to another, sometimes not being able to prioritize what I should do when, despite clearly drawn up personal and work to-do lists. In fact it is when I'm at work that I calm down, read a bit, get some of my non-work to-dos accomplished. And that brings me right back to the question I started with.
Given a chatty, bratty, oh-so-cute 2 year old, I guess I should just accept that life will be like this and just go with the flow. I guess I'm an over-involved Mommy given to over-thinking (compounding issues like how!) but I've realized, with the 15 month sabbatical, that I must work or I will struggle within. So staying at home is not an option. Then, if working is a given, for now I must learn to live with this mixed feeling about work. With a slightly grown up baby, busy with school and other activities, hopefully I will go back to focusing on work the way I used to. But for now life will be about being at work with a fair bit of my heart and little bit of my mind, perpetually at home with my small chap.
Even though, it couldn't get better than this - with being able to walk to work (10 mins!) and go back for lunch to see him, and then being able to get back at 6 on most days, I know that I pretty much have it all! And isn't that what I asked for in this post long back? But that's where the complication begins. There is always this small nagging feeling that I should be spending more time with him - because this age won't last, because I have sooo much fun being around him and listening to his "small" talk, because he will learn what he sees and that means habits and values from the didi who looks after him, because when I go home he's usually waiting to see me. And thus every time there is a conflict between home and work, home wins, probably making my team realize that my priorities lie at home and making me realize even more deeply, that that is indeed true at this point in time. And that brings me back to the question I started this blog with.
In this phase of working - post baby - I've hardly made any friends at work. There is (was) just no time. Between running home for lunch, which is usually a good time to catch up informally with many people from different teams, and not having time even for coffee chats because of the hard stop deadline of 6 PM when the maid leaves, I hardly have any time to make casual conversation with people around me in office. Office dinners are often a source of stress because it means figuring out who I can request to step in to manage the baby while I'm out and the one time that I did head out, I came back within an hour and a half because he was getting fidgety with my cousin who had agreed to watch him. All this lack of socializing obviously has its consequences and I'm not surprised that there is practically no one with whom I can really chat at work. Given my high people orientation and a clear preference for a fun-filled, light hearted work environment, that implies that sometimes I find the office a tad dull and boring, and crave having friends and colleagues around at work. (Though, I guess, in a small part, the organization itself does not have a "fun" working culture but I guess that only serves to compound the issue for me). And that brings me back to the question I started with.
Given the many, many, many fronts that I feel I have to constantly handle - home, baby, work, start-up, travel, investments - I very often find myself unable to concentrate on the task at hand. It is, of course, a failing on my part and a huge cause for concern and I can externalize it by saying that the circumstances are responsible, but I know that focus and concentration are two qualities that I must regain. I find myself suffering from an adult version of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) wherein I constantly flit from one task to another, sometimes not being able to prioritize what I should do when, despite clearly drawn up personal and work to-do lists. In fact it is when I'm at work that I calm down, read a bit, get some of my non-work to-dos accomplished. And that brings me right back to the question I started with.
Given a chatty, bratty, oh-so-cute 2 year old, I guess I should just accept that life will be like this and just go with the flow. I guess I'm an over-involved Mommy given to over-thinking (compounding issues like how!) but I've realized, with the 15 month sabbatical, that I must work or I will struggle within. So staying at home is not an option. Then, if working is a given, for now I must learn to live with this mixed feeling about work. With a slightly grown up baby, busy with school and other activities, hopefully I will go back to focusing on work the way I used to. But for now life will be about being at work with a fair bit of my heart and little bit of my mind, perpetually at home with my small chap.
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ReplyDeleteLovely blog!!! Very true, I can completely empathize with this!! Infact I remember someone in our office telling us that, at work you are always replaceable but not in your family. That itself should set your priorities right!!
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